


Legolas Makes his Friends See Terrible Movies! Or Midnight Screenings

by jcrycolr3wradc



Series: Humans are Nerds [3]
Category: The Lord of the Rings - All Media Types
Genre: Cinema Snob AU?, F/M, Gen, M/M, Midnight screenings, Screenplay/Script Format, Where Brad is replaced by Legolas
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-12
Updated: 2014-02-13
Packaged: 2018-01-12 01:42:32
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,591
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1180413
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jcrycolr3wradc/pseuds/jcrycolr3wradc
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Legolas is a movie buff who goes to see midnight screenings of new movies. He drags his reluctant friends along for the ride. Eomer is pissed.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Intro to Midnight Screenings

**Author's Note:**

> This goes with my 'Humans are Nerds AU' Legolas is styled after Brad Jones, the "Cinema Snob". All of the 'episodes' are based very much on Brad's friends real life reactions to movies they've had to go see. I wont be doing a direct video to text translation, because some of these episodes are 45+ minutes, but I will try to pick the bits that made me laugh the hardest.

Act 1 Scene 1

The Plan ;D

Date: May 26th 2011

Scene: _Legolas sitting in front of his camera, wearing casual clothes, not his usual Critic getup of glasses, tied back hair and blazer. A tortoiseshell cat is sitting to his right and there are racks of dvds and posters behind him. Just off to the left there is a picture of himself and Gimli, kisssing while smiling, and on the right a larger one in a homemade frame of himself with Gimli, Aragorn, Eowyn, Boromir, Frodo, Sam, Merri and Pippin. Pinned to the wall is a picture of himself and Tauriel graduating high school and making faces at the camera. Pinned next to it is himself and Thranduil, dressed as characters from Rocky Horror Picture Show._     

Legolas: Hi guys, I just wanted to give you guys a site update. I have kind of a special show going on for everyone. This summer my friends and I, _he gestures to the pictures_ , are going to go see midnight releases and then immediately review it in our cars. Um it’s probably going to be myself, Gimli of course, _he winks at the camera_ , Aragorn, Boromir, Faramir, Eomer when he can get time off, Eowyn when she’s not going to class at 6 am the next day, Frodo, Sam, Merri, Pippin and Tauriel when she’s close enough to be able to drive. Fili and Kili have also said they want to join in and we may have a very special surprise guest later on. _Legolas grins widely and waves as the cat rubs it’s cheek on his jeans._ Alright I’ll see you guys at our first midnight tomorrow!   


	2. Tyler Perry's Temptation, or Eomer and Gimli discuss infidelity while Aragorn and Legolas laugh at them.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> February 12 2013. Eomer and Gimli are not happy about this fucking movie.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So these stories will jump around chronologically. Clearly this is when the gang has been doing these reviews for a little more than a year. Dialog is almost completely from Brads video, with a few of my own jokes. Direction and action is in italics, which are a bitch and a half to transfer into AO3's cut and paste.

 

Date: February 12 2013

Scene: _The interior of a car. Eomer and Gimli sit there looking very unhappy. Eomer takes a flask from his pocket and takes a drink. Gimli has his arms crossed over his chest and is glaring at the screen. Legolas and Aragorn are sitting in the back seat, Legolas grinning and Aragorn is sitting quietly, clearly trying not to laugh._

Legolas: So, I sent Eomer and Gimli to see the Erotic thriller ‘Tyler Perry’s Temptation’. And _clearly trying so hard not to laugh_ they loved it.

Eomer: _furious and fumbling with a packet of cigarettes._ GO FUCK YOURSELF.

Legolas: _laughing hysterically_

Gimli: Legolas, darling, light of my life, my love, let me make this clear. I’m NOT SEEING ANOTHER GODDAMN PERRY MOVIE. EVER. AGAIN. _He slumps down in the seat as Legolas laughs and tries to hug him from behind. Aragorn is practically inhaling his own hand trying to stop laughing. Eomer is lighting up his cigarette._

_Outside there is a noise as someone walks past and the camera picks up laughter._

Elladan and Elrohir: How was your guys movie? _Laughing._

Gimli: Thats it! _Gimli flings open the door and starts harassing the Twins. Eomer, laughing, picks up the camera to follow him._

Legolas: Oh shit!  _Laughing while we see Thw Twins run in mock horror, Gimli giving furious pursuit._

Aragorn: Oh come on! _He gets out of the car to stop Gimli from doing actual damage. At the moment he’s caught up with them, playfully shoving Elrohir while Elladan laughs._

Legolas: It’s about time one of these turned into a snuff film!

_Gimli gets back in the car, while the Twins walk off still laughing._

Legolas: Thank you for bravely defending the car, my love.

Gimli: After that movie I should have let them key the car. _He smiles slightly, clearly joking. They're in his car after all._

Legolas: So anyway, Temptation. It was bad?

Eomer: Yeah, it was. It was completely awful.

_Everyone is silent. Gimli is playing with the steering wheel a little and Eomer smokes._

Aragorn: Review over! Goodnight folks!

Legolas: _Trying to get a little bit more information_. So it’s an infidelity movie then?

Gimli: Yeah with the clumsiest framing in the fucking world!

Eomer: Okay okay, so it starts off with the protagonist or whatever, honestly everyone in this movies is fucking horrible, telling a story to some white couple about her adventures with AIDS and shit.

Gimli: Yeah why the hell were those two there? Those yuppie fucks could have been paying some councilor two thousand an hour. _A beat_. To pretend to give a shit.

Eomer: _Laughing_. Yeah, so anyway, the marriage counselor, telling a story to this chick about ‘her sister.’ BITCH IT’S YOU!

Gimli: They seriously didn’t even try.

Legolas: Is this the framing from Frankenstein?

Gimli: No not as good.

Legolas Well I didn’t think that!

Eomer: And at the end the counselor is all like ‘oh I’m sorry for taking up so much of your time’ and the chick is like ‘no no it’s fine.’ BITCH YOU’VE BEEN HERE FOR HOURS! THIS WAS NOT A SHORT STORY!

Aragorn: For the love of god, tell us how he met their mother!

Eomer: _Sounding supremely depressed._ If there was eight seasons of this I’d shoot myself. _A beat_. And everyone else.

Legolas: _Laughing._

Eomer: Especially you.

Gimli: Yeah this movie man. It’s just incredibly trite. And it has one of the slowest moving stories I’ve ever seen. _He sighs and rubs his forehead._ Yeah anyway, the dude’s nice homebody.

Eomer: He’s that sympathetic character from all of Perry’s movies.

Gimli: Yeah almost too nice.

Eomer: It’s not even the archetype. It’s just a literal cookie-cutter. Goddamnit.

Gimli: Fuck. Anyway, girl, Judith, has all these dreams and aspirations. She’s just all like ‘I have this degree and I want to start my own practice, like TODAY.’ And dude, in my opinion is being reasonable, saying ‘Well just wait like a few years, build a clientele.’ And this is horrible news for her apparently. _He shrugs and goes for his own cigarettes and lighter._

Eomer: Yeah so anyway she works for a really weird company. Match makers for millionaires or something.

Aragorn: I think there’s a show like that on Bravo.

Gimli: _Lighting up and inhaling._ So Judith meets the dude, and he immediately, within an hour of meeting her is like _making his voice weird and husky,_ ‘You wanna fuck in a kitchen?”

Eomer: _Getting in on the act._ ‘You ever been to Paris?’

Gimli: Using a normal tone. Yeah just acting really rapey. And yet the movie seems to think he’s charming?

Eomer: He’s just really fucking bizarre. He calls her place like really late and is like ‘Oh your husband doesn’t wanna know who you’re talking to?’ and she’s like ‘No he doesn’t ask shit like that.’ and he says, ‘If you were mine, I would wanna know.’

_From the back Aragorn gives an incredulous snort. If he ever said that to Arwen he’d be arrested for stalking immediately._      

Eomer: Yeah, just like goofy shit. It’s like 50 minutes before any infidelity on anyone’s part.

Gimli: Overnight the dude turns into a fucking psychopath. Pushing her and shit. Fucking prick.

Legolas: Who does it end? It seems like this doesn’t even really have an arc.

Gimli: It’s more like a gentle slope that then stops giving a shit.

Eomer: I’ll tell you how it ends. AIDS!

Aragorn: What??

Legolas: Man, Errbody got AIDS!

Eomer: IT’S NOT A FUCKING JOKE! THAT’S REALLY HOW IT ENDS!

Gimli: Whoa, whoa thats the twist! For like the last ten minutes.

Eomer: _Furiously lighting another cigarette._

Gimli: Some random plot point, we keep cutting to some girl, whose acting all crazy. Walking around with a baseball bat and shit.

Eomer: So dude is hanging out with her, to take his mind off the fact Judith just left him. And all of a sudden she just drops this bombshell on him. ‘Bryce I have HIV.’

Aragorn: Oh no!

Gimli: And she’s like ‘Yeah I got it from my stalker ex who I’ve been like running from, despite not see him in years.’ And then she drops the name and oh my god it’s the dude.

Eomer: And his reaction to this is to just start screaming his wife’s name in her face.

Gimli: JUDITH! JUDITH!

Eomer: ‘What? Wh-What about your wife?’

Gimli: JUDITH!

Eomer: ‘What I dont even-’

Gimli: JUUDDIIITTHHH

Eomer: it was like the actor had a stroke and the only thing he could remember was the character he was suppose to be married to.

Gimli: So they go to resuce his wife.

Eomer: She’s like bloodied and beaten in a bathtub.

Gimli: Bryce tries beating the shit out of the other dude.

Eomer: And everyone has AIDS.

Gimli: The fucking End.

_Legolas and Aragorn have collapsed laughing in the back seat. Everytime they try collecting themselves, they look at the camera and start over again. This goes on for like a minute and a half. Gimli and Eomer look supremely put upon, but Gimli keeps looking at Legolas and trying not to smile._

Legolas: _Trying to collect himself._ Well gentlemen, thank you for taking that bullet. I’ll take you to some good movies soon.

Eomer: Extremely unconvinced. Uh-huh. Sure. Fuck this website.

Gimli: Well I’m sleeping with you, so we’ll just sort it out when we get home.

_Aragorn and Eomer groan while Legolas blushes slightly and grins._

Eomer: Fucking thanks for that mental image. I’m leaving. _Opens door._

Aragorn: Oh dont leave!

Eomer: Im getting the fuck out! Disappears off camera.

_Aragorn laughs and follows him out. Legolas reaches for the camera but gets distracted while Gimli kisses him. Both manage to end up in the front seat. We hear laughter, and Gimli reaches to turn off the camera. Cut to black._

-Fin

**Author's Note:**

> These fics will when I need to laugh at something and want others to laugh with me. Also I wanted to express my gratitude to Brad Jones, who I really really like.


End file.
